Inside a highly neurotic Mind

Paranoia.

That’s the word that comes to mind: Paranoia.

Because the world is an ordered entity in harmony. If that orderliness can be understood and implemented, one can achieve harmony. There is hierarchy in power, people, and things. Every action has a consequence and every cause an effect. Ergo every consequence can be manipulated to protect one’s inner world.

Rightfully, every good decisions must yield a reward proportional to its level of ‘goodness.’ And likewise every bad decisions. If I make all good decisions and only good decisions, the universe will reward me with a good life.

I’m hungry.

If I open this jar of peanut butter, melt its content on a piece of toasted bread and slather a light coat of all natural strawberry jam on top I will satisfy my hunger.

What’s the overall sugar content?

Protein?

Is that good or bad for me?

I heard high fructose corn syrup can give cancer and I really don’t want that.

Doesn’t eating meals high in sugar build insulin resistance?

Will I become diabetic?

What’s fruit pectin? Do I want that in my body?

You know what? The risk-reward is skewed to risk so forget it let’s go for a stroll.

What’s the temperature outside? If it’s cold I will need a coat. But what if I bring a coat and it’s too warm? It’s just gonna be annoying to carry.

What if someone attacks me at knife point, do I have any way to defend myself?

I’m tired. I’m gonna stay in and watch my favorite shows.

Nothing.

Just my emotions, my screen, and a peace I could not find otherwise.

If the world is so ordered, my thoughts must be or should be bent with willpower to be so ordered. But this mind is unable to cope with the chaos. Paranoia becomes its reality.

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