How Much Do You Bench Bro?

Ahhhhh the age-old question, what do you bench? (optional bro mixed in at the end)

The gym is a social construct, but you don’t have to talk at all to convey messages. Are you a douchebag? Wear shirts that reveal your entire chest highlighting your rock hard nipples. Are you looking for attention, wear skin-tight neon clothes. Are you just tryna get a pump. Wear a classic tank top. Do you have kids with 3 different women? Wear a wife beater. Whatever your style, we all get labeled.

If you’re actually lifting hard, then there will be times that you’ll need a spotter. Assuming you don’t have a lifting partner 365 days a year sucking your cock about how strong you are and assuming you lift more than 10 days a year you’ll inevitably need to ask for a spotter. Now, this may be for benching, maybe squatting, maybe wrist curls, or maybe putting the tampon up your vagina, no matter what lift it is sometimes conversations arise.

Now, these aren’t normal stranger interaction conversations, these are almost mandated codes for determining who is the alpha between the two of you. If looking at each other’s muscle size is not enough to determine who is stronger and who is more alpha then THE questions will come, oh they will come. Where you from man? How long have you been going here? Yeah man, you look good too… blah blah blah fucking blah, these are all questions to warm each other's asses up so that one of you can butt fuck the other if your bench is 5lbs higher. Probably about 30 seconds to 2 minutes into the conversation, depending on how insecure you are, one of you will ask HOW MUCH DO YOU BENCH BRO?

Now this question is again usually preceded by a very fake and loving remark. For example, “yeah dude your tri’s look huge, how much can you bench bro.” Fucking LOL. “You mean 1 rep” (trying to size the other up while simultaneously trying to get a reasonable but exaggerated bench stat). “Yeah” “Yeah, probably around 315.” You pulled off a nice lie. Every male at the gym can apparently hit 315, yet you don’t see much more than 185lbs on them bars.

Yeah, you can hit like 250 on your best day but Johnny cock sucker doesn’t need to know that. He needs to know you’re alpha too. Meanwhile Johnny legit hits 365 and pretends 315 is impressive. “Damn man, that's a lot.” “What about you,” you ask? You shouldn’t have asked. “I actually hit 365 the other week, it was tough as fuck though.”

You lost, you lost big time. Not only can you not even hit 315, but now you know this guy can bench more than 100lbs more than you and you go home and cry on your mother’s blossoms. I know it’s tempting to try and be big and bad and you can be, but let your body do the talking, not your mouth the next time.

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